The Boston Celtics blew out the Lakers by 39 points to win the NBA title Tuesday night, but it didn’t even come close to canceling out the coolness of the things Kobe can jump over. That’s right, you know that crazy video of Kobe jumping over a car? Kobe jumping over a pool of snakes? Now that’s impressive!

The seven-game series is so 2007. The new NBA Championship needs to include death-defying stunts! Sure, the Celtics can beat the Lakers under normal circumstances. But put bear traps across half-court and a poisonous snake pit under each basket in a one-game, winner-take-all melee, then who comes out on top? 

Answer: The True Champion

Guys, Girls,

Don’t throw things at bands, unless you want a very stern talking-to. Case in point:

(Warning: Very Bad Language)

On second thought, if they’re going to react like that, THROW THINGS AT THEM.

Did you even know that they had Pool Parties in Croatia? They do! I PROMISE! I SWEAR IT!

They’re a little different than the McCarren Park Pool Parties you’re used to, though:

There’s actually no pool at all. Or dodgeball and Slip N’ Slide. But there is ice cream! Croatians LOVE ice cream.

Can we all agree that MTV got it right with Party to Go Vol. 2?

I’ve heard there are 10+ volumes, but I haven’t listened to a single one of them after the second. Vol. 2 was so good, I swear it’s the last album I will ever buy.

This mix didn’t just include Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince’s ‘Summertime’, it included the ‘Summertime’ Extended Club Mix!

And was Naughty by Nature’s ‘O.P.P’ good enough? Hell no! O.P.P Ultimix Remix!

Everyone loves The KLF’s ‘3am Eternal’, but daaaaaamn, the Live at The SSL Remix is OFF THE CHAIN! I have absolutely no idea what the SSL is, but if this is how they remix, I want in!

I recently had a chance to sit down with Michael McCary, formerly of the R&B sensation Boyz II Men. This is what he had to say:

Me: With all the compilations out there claiming to be the best collections of early 90’s dance hits, how do you feel about being a part of the hands-down, true classic party album?

Michael McCary: Baby, I’m sorry. Please forgive me for all the wrong I’ve done. Please come back home girl. I know you put all your trust in me. I’m sorry I let you down. Please forgive me.

Me: Mike, wasn’t that just your monologue from ‘On Bended Knee’?

Michael McCary: Bass bass bass bass bass bass bass.

Hey Pool Party-goers. I’ve been brainstorming all morning, and I came up with a pretty great idea. I thought maybe this year we could lose the Slip n’ Slide (boring!), and replace it with a baby-jumping tent (exciting!). To give you an idea:

I think I have all the logistics figured out. Only two questions remain:

1. Whose babies?

2. Where do we get baby-jumping suits?

Not sure if you knew, but A LOT goes into planning these Pool Parties. We thought we’d give you a peek at a typical JellyNYC board meeting. Watch how we get things done, like get you free wifi at McCarren Park Pool:

Be sure to add The Pool Parties and JellyNYC on Myspace!

We couldn’t go any longer having ‘Secret Guests’ lingering over in the sidebar to your right. We are not fans of the acronym ‘TBA’. We just do not like holding all this exciting information we have from you!

So here it is! It’s time to announce that The Breeders will be playing the July 13th Pool Party alongside Matt & Kim and The Whip! And we are so very excited to have them right before they leave for their worldwide tour!

We also got Franki Chan, owner of IHEARTCOMIX to DJ the whole party.

And let me say/remind you of this:

Ever since I started running the blog over here at JellyNYC, people have been asking me, “Hey man, can you get me into these shows? Maybe slide me onto the G-list, bro?”

Well guess what fellas and ladies, THESE SHOWS ARE FREE. This is top-notch entertainment for the most toppest notch of prices; ZERO DOLLARS. I’d love to play it cool and act like I could HOOK YOU UP FAT (are the kids saying that these days?), but you’re gonna find out sooner or later: WE ARE COVER CHARGE-LESS AS ALWAYS!

Remember when you were a kid in school and you had a big, fat summer reading list? All the books were so terrible, I’m pretty sure I just read Lord of the Flies six years in a row. 

Anyhoozles, just because we’re adults now, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep our minds sharp during the summer months. So here’s a totally solid book recommendation for you: Snoop Dogg’s Love Don’t Live Here No More: Doggy Tales Vol. 1.

I luckily found this in the bargain bin at my neighborhood Barnes & Noble for only $4.98. HARDCOVER! Apparently, they’re not flizzying off the shizzelves. I can’t imagine why though, because it turns out this book is like the Bible…in that you can open up to literally any page, and it’s hilarious.

Let’s read an excerpt from the first page of the first chapter, shall we?

Throwing bricks through car windows, crank-ringing doorbells, stealing candy from the corner store, and hanging out in the alley with baby hoodrats, lifting up their shirts and looking at their baby breasts, nipples shaped like Mike & Ikes.

WHAT. Looks like Snoop Dogg didn’t have a ghostwriter for this one! It goes on…

It’s not like they were all the big, but to us they were winning.

WINNING? Were they in a contest for weirdest candy look-a-like nipples??

I’ll tell you what’s winning. THIS BOOK. The whole way through. And there were six stacks of them halfway to the ceiling on my last trip to the bookstore. So go pick one up! It’s your summer reading assignment!