People say you can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear. I’d say the same about a flashy belt buckle. I proudly wear a brass cobra that also functions as a bottle opener. Sounds pretty cool, huh? Turns out it’s a way better idea on paper than it is around the waist. Picture yourself at a party, and everyone wants to open their beers on your belt buckle. It’s pretty sweet being so popular, but by 10:30 you end up smelling like a brewery, and you look like you peed your pants. And no one wants to hang out with smelly-beer-pants-guy, except other smelly-beer-pants guys. On the plus-side, if you have smelly-beer-pants, you could pee your pants, and no one would know the difference.

Here are some notable buckles I’ve seen around town, and what they really say about a person:

SLAYER EAGLE - Do NOT mess with someone with a Slayer buckle. This person is capable of hurting you. Even it the wearer of the buckle looks unassuming, they might be the type of dude willing to carve things into their arm and lighting it on fire. If they are willing to bring that sort of harm upon themselves, you do not want to see what they are capable of doing to you. Let them believe they are Reigning In Blood and leave them be.

THE JESUS - The opposite of the Slayer buckle has to be the Jesus buckle - the wearer of this buckle probably has good Godly intentions, but is a bit confused. If there is any place Jesus does need a tribute, it’s in a man’s crotchal region. Although it certainly does serve as a good reminder to keep those pants on until marriage, right JelllyNYC readers!?

BOOZE PARTY PANTS - I’m a huge fan of the multifunctional buckles. And if you’re the type that has to carry booze on you at all times, why not create a situation where you have to take your belt off to get to it? If you take drinking this seriously, the pants are coming off anyway. I particularly like the boombox on this one, because now everyone will know that you like music!

THE GAMER - With the original NES controller buckle, you’re not afraid to show that you’re a dork. But people will appreciate your dorkiness for a true classic, as well as your sentimentality. Also, they’ll be super-impressed when they see you can run so much faster than them when you hold down the B-button!

There WILL be a part II!

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